I’ve been in Italy over a year. So, if I was following societal constraints I should be shortly releasing my first memoir. Either that or a glass-shattering HBO television show/screenplay about four girlfriends living in New York City…
Since I don’t live in NYC and I don’t have four girlfriends, it follows that a witty, ironic memoir is in order. For 20-somethings, it would be a fun, quirky, nothing-like-all-the-other-memoirs-yet-not-too-far-off-so-don’t-be-afraid memoir about my crazy, heartfelt adventures in Italy.
Maybe it can be titled “Adventures in Italy.” Yes, Adventures in Italy describes the story exactly! It is succinct, straight-forward, enticing – it’s perfect! Or, if I was following the memoir plan, (you know, the plan that all memoirs written from 1990 to today have surely followed. One that is likely even written, though elusive enough that I, a brilliant and sought-after writer, have never had the chance to read. I just know.) I would surely have to title it something like, “A Year Abroad – My Adventures as an Expat in Italy.”
Yes, just uninteresting enough to catch the attention of all the yearning housewives who still actually buy books, though maybe there are some other options as well…
My Incomplete List of Titles for My Memoir*
- Exploring Italy, One Pound at A Time
- Being a Feminist in Italy: Guai (meaning, “Trouble”)
- What the F*%k are you doing?! – The Power of Cursing in Another Language
- A Thirsty Girl in the Land of Little Cups
- Parmegiano Reggiano, Aged 36 Months – The Trials and Tribulations of Feeding an Italian
- I Knew So Little, But Didn’t Know That
- An Immigrant in Italy
- Where the Wine Flows Like Water
Of course Italy is a beautiful, idyllic land that brings up lovely, peaceful images of la dolce vita, that is, old men playing cards and old bicycles leaning on old buildings with vibrant flowers overflowing the basket and the colorful houses on the hill overlooking the sea, you know the image, the one with all those colorful houses!
In that case, perhaps a title more Under the Tuscan Sun-style would likely sell better:
- Under the Milanese Smog
- Learning the Language through Love
- Language, Love and Low-Income, in Italy
- A Room With a View … of My Neighbor’s Chickens and the Neighborhood Mosque
- Eat, Complain, Eat (modeled loosely off of eat, pray, love only better)
- A Year in Italy: One Girl’s Struggle and Triumph in Food, Love and Italian Bureaucracy.
- A Year in Italy: One Girl’s Struggle to Spell “Bureaucracy” (Not actually set in Italy…)
- Reader Entry! What would you name my memoir? For just a small submission fee of $500 YOU can be chosen to name my memoir!
(Must be over 18 years old or be a really really kick-ass little kid with access to $500. Must not be lame. Must be witty. Must believe in me and my skills 1000%. Must know how to drive a boat. Must live in or have once lived in or been to one of the 50 states, Puerto Rico excluded. Other rules and regulations may apply.)
Truthful, gratingly honest, delicious, eye-catching – the title must be all these things to accurately publicize my memoir, a truthful, gratingly honest, delicious and eye-catching story that, when complete (or started), will include a truthful account of the delicious food, gratingly honest in-laws and eye-catching husband that is my life here in Italy.
* Said memoir is also incomplete…and nonexistent. All titles are real though, as real as so far as this blog post is real, that is to say, written.